In today’s column (April 21) I give you a lot of advice on how to be a winner in any aspect of your life.
Become President: How simple is that? Why didn’t you think of it beforeYou see a few days ago I was on the phone to my old friend Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov who just happens to be the President of Turkmenistan, the country where the citizens have the longest names in the world,who told me ”we’ve just got a race track at Ashgabat and we’ve just had our first race.”“Gurbo that’s fully sick. Who won Turkmenistan’s first motor race?” Well of course funny I should ask because of course he did. He killed the competition…well not literally although of course that was possible if he didnt win.
Come fourth consistently: Of course the other way to win is to adopt the Mark Weber strategy and consistenly come fourth. Mark is now running fourth in the driver’s championship 8 points ahead of his deadliest rival Seb Vettel who stupidly thinks winning is the way to win.
Enter LeMons:A nationwide series of endurance races for cars that cost $500 or less.COME AGAIN?The 24 Hours of LeMons is restricted to cars that were purchased, fixed up, and track-prepped for a total of $500 or less. At most venues, the racing consists of tech inspection and track testing on Friday; long-ass endurance-race sessions on Saturday and Sunday; and breaks for sleeping, eating, and Band-Aid application every night. At least once a year, we also hold a straight 24-hour endurance race. Count on plenty of noise, prizes, water fights, and questionably civilized fun before, during, and after the track sessions. Finally, assuming you’re still standing, there’s the gala awards ceremony, wherein we present trophies, plaques, and winner’s purses paid out in nickels.CAN THAT HAVE THE LEAST SHRED OF CIVILIZED MERIT?Not really…but it does help raise money for Speedway Children’s Charities, and they do all kinds of good stuff.
IS THIS, LIKE, REAL RACING? Yeah, it’s real racing. That said, between the thick scrum of crapcans in front of you and our aversion to long, flat-out straightaways, you’re not going to set any speed records. It’s kinda like a loud, hot, noisy version of driving to work. For a really, really long time. Without actually getting anywhere. And it’s a lot harder to drink coffee through the helmet. Oh, and, you know, it’s more dangerous.IS IT SAFE?Safety equipment isn’t included in the $500 car-purchase price, so you’ll have kind of a fighting chance. But car racing just isn’t a brilliant thing to be doing. Get used to it.
DO I HAVE TO BE A RACEDRIVER?
While these are wheel-to-wheel racetrack events, drivers include total non-racers, amateur racers, and pros. Everyone will need to purchase a LeMons Competition Membership for $50–Memberships are good for one year from the race for which it was originally purchased. No outside competition licenses are recognized or reciprocated.
WHAT IF I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING?
Ah, we don’t either. This whole “expert” schtick is just pathetic male compensation. Don’t sweat it.
IS MY CAR GONNA GET HELLA MUNCHED UP?
Oh, almost definitely. LeMons is a non-contact event, but it’s a crowded track with a whole lot of really hard driving. And even if your car survives out on the course, halfway through the race one entry will be chosen by popular ballot for immediate crushing. Could be yours. Heck, it probably WILL be yours. Be prepared.
IF YOU CRUSH MY CAR, CAN I SAVE THE SEATBELTS AND STUFF?
It kinda depends on how mad we are at you, but yeah, we’ll give you a chance to pull out the belts and bars and anything else safety-related. Just make sure you’re not still inside when the steam shovel arrives.
WHADDABOUT BUMPIN’ AND DRAFTIN’ AND ALL THAT THERE HIBBILLY STUFF?
Think NASA roadrace, not NASCAR enduro. While some minor incidental contact may occur, poor driving, lack of car control, intentional contact, chopping, and bumping are subject to punishment by pit penalties, tarring and feathering (honest), and/or expulsion. Oh, and Mr. SmartGuy? The specific bad-driving punishments outlined in Section 6 of the rulebook are in addition to, not instead of, said tarring and feathering.
DO I NEED TO DRAG THE PATHETIC HEAP HOME AGAIN?
If you want to abandon your pile after the race, some tracks will accept the remains provided you have a clear title or junk slip to sign over. None will accept cars with only a bill of sale or other fakey-bakey paperwork, and none will accept piles of disparate parts.
HAVE I GOT TO RUN THE WHOLE STUPID INTERMINABLE RACE?
It ain’t like we’re going to drag you out of bed Sunday morning. You can run as much or as little of it as you want. A lot of people just show up to eat the nachos.
ARE THERE PRIZES?Oh, lordy yes. Over the course of the year we’ll be recognizing wins for marque, nationality, all-girls teams, etc., and awarding the Harold Stassen Memorial Sticktuitiveness Trophy, the Albert Gore Jr. Carbon-Neutral Cup, and other such venerable honors. Some teams even win cash awards. Warning: We love to pay cash prizes in nickels.
