Breakdancing is now an Olympic sport, vertical drinking is now legal in Tassie and Nikita Mazepin is now officially an F1 driver. Of course, you know what this means. All 7.8 billion of us have unlocked the door and crossed over to another dimension: a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. We’ve just crossed over into the Twilight Zone or what academics call the world post-COVID, post-Trump and soon, post-JobKeeper.
But your team here at the motoring section in the business section have no fear of change. We play a critical role not only in the success of this bit of the paper and multimedia platform but with 18 readers and one friend we are a huge contributor to Australia’s most read Saturday national tome. So, it behoves us to take a leadership role in exhibiting the new behaviours that others can follow. As the $12bn consulting company McKinsey says, you can teach old dogs new tricks. This is particularly true since Mick has recently been given the royal warrant to service the Beemers in the Canberra pollies fleet. Royal warrants of appointment have been issued for centuries to tradespeople who supply goods or services to a royal court or certain royal personages such as King Scomo and others in his court in the principality named after Canberry Cottage and which, sensibly, was originally legislated an alcohol-free area. The quality of our leadership would be much enhanced if this idea of King O’Malley’s was re-introduced.
Just to divert for a minute. While the US-born O’Malley achieved his political heights between 1896 and 1916, he would be right at home in our national capital today. Before he sailed to Australia, he founded a church and appointed himself First Bishop of the Waterlily Rock Bound Church, the Red Skin Temple of the Cayuse Nation. He actually left America to escape embezzlement charges. His success in Australian politics was probably due to what Gavin Souter describes as ‘‘O’Malley’s monstrously overgrown persona … inhabited simultaneously by a spruiker from Barnum’s three-ring circus, a hell-and-tarnation revivalist, and a four-flushing Yankee Congressman’’. And one historian credits his appointment to the federal ministry to the fact his ‘‘colleagues owed him money’’.
Anyway, with the death of Holden our political masters couldn’t wait to move up to European. So, after extensive testing and sitting in the back seats, they went with the BMW 6 Series GT sedan and some Toyota hybrids. This was super news for BMW since they couldn’t move a car Wheels magazine called “an ageing dinosaur’ with “looks only a mother could love”. But the best is reserved for our MVPs (most valued politicians). They get to ride in a 3.6-tonne, bomb-proofish, 7 series complete with armour, 250kg bullet-proof doors, poison gas sensors and powered by a fuel-efficient greenish, 6 litre twin turbo V12.
Friends and 18 readers, in this new world why didn’t they ask the brains trust here before blowing millions of taxpayers’ dollars on cruising cocoons of gold-plated comfort whose most difficult task is to protect our leaders from Australians preferred form of attack, an egging.
We would have recommended the 2013 Chevrolet Silverado ‘‘Mayhem’’ Monster Truck for sale right now at Bonhams for $100k or a saving of at least $600k over the Beemers.
It has seating for eight (five more than the German), a Chevy 6.0-litre V8 engine; up-rated transmission; standard truck cab with working air conditioning, radio, and plush interior; 1.7m wheels; rear ‘‘crab’’ steering for better manoeuvrability and dual control to the passenger foot-well so the passenger has braking control.
And as you can see eggs would never reach the MVPs: the wheels would scare off any long-haired hippy student left-wing rabble rousers and the name, Mayhem, perfectly sums up our times.
Also perfect for the times is newly appointed Haas driver, 21 year old Nikita Mazepin.
Nikita has got a lot of form. Well, not all in the car. He has a well-earned reputation for dangerous driving, racism and in 2016 in Hungary, he felt British driver Callum Ilott was holding him up, so after the race he punched Callum in the face, giving him a black eye, a swollen jaw and a lot of pain.
He has threatened to out star Merc driver George Williams, asked for nude pics of a female fan in return for pit passes and then he posted a video on Instagram of himself groping a woman’s breasts on a drive around Abu Dhabi.
Of course, in the world of top end motor racing, including at the FIA, only one thing counts.
As Drivetribe’s Will Pearse says: “what Mazepin lacks in humanity and speed is made up for by money. Money is key in Formula 1, and the Mazepin family is full of it. Dmitry Mazepin, Nikita’s father, owns the Uralchem Integrated Chemicals Company.
Not only is there Nikita’s immense backing by his father and other sponsors such as SMP and Uralkali, but there are rumours that Dmitry Mazepin is looking to buy into the Haas F1 team, or even completely buy the team off Gene Haas”.
Talking of real talent, 22-year-old George Williams took a COVID-positive Lou Hamilton’s seat in his black Merc last Sunday and nearly ran away with the race. He held the lead for almost 40 laps.
On the last pit stop Mercedes put the wrong tyres on George’s car, he had to come back in again. He looked like taking the lead again when one of his tyres had a slow leak. Back in again to take ninth.
One thing that’s important in this new age is collecting automobilia. Bonhams are selling an excellent a novelty erotic desk clock.
For about a grand you get the hand-painted cut-out metal profile in the form of a vintage limousine, with clock inset to rear wheel and hinged door opening to reveal an animated erotic scene. It’s all mounted on a wooden base and the scene is not one that you should show to the kiddies.
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