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Don’t panic, your Weekend Australian motoring column in the business section has the answer. No, not fridge magnets, a chrome toilet plunger, an apron that says “world’s best Mum”, a gift card to your favourite restaurant, Gwyneth Paltrow’s bee sting treatment or a stick of deodorant. But we’ll save the worst for last and make you trudge through 1000 words of meaningless drivel vaguely related to cars but with lots of references to booze and five-year-olds stealing their mother’s car to drive across America to buy a Lambo and disparaging references to Adelaide before we give you the answer.

Talking of the answer: the big question this week is where has Supreme Leader, Marshal of the Republic, Leader of the Workers’ Party of Korea, Kim Jong-un, been for the past 20 days? Friends and readers, I hinted at the answer last week but of course, ASIO, ASIS, the CIA and the South Australian National (anti-) Terrorist Association stopped me going further. Of course, Kim had slipped into Adelaide using his alias, Josef Pwag, to meet with our very own King (of the Kensi), Michael McMichael. Naturally Jong-un Joe is what the ABC’s Roy and HG call a first-class person, so the normal 14-day quarantine was lifted in his case. Now I know many of you think 14 days locked in a hotel room in Adelaide would be better than actually having to spend a fortnight wandering free in the City of Churches but I wouldn’t say that.

Anyway, Jong-un Joe had three big topics of discussion in the Kensi, where ScoMo had personally asked Jen and Pete Hurley to open the Corner Bar for the critical summit. Jen did ask me to tell you if you’re wanting to spoil mum with a roast pack or grazing platter for Mother’s Day the Kensi is offering a super special takeaway.

“Mick” Jong-un Joe said: “You know, I get a bad rap just because I run a dictatorship, control the media, internet, religion and put anyone who disagrees with me, and there’s about a million of them, in a labour camp where most of them die. But seriously, those critics are mainly jealous politicians who wish they could run their countries the same way. The thing that really gets me though are the jokes about my weight. Look I have put a few kilos on with my new swiss cheese, whiskey and scallops diet but I had to have a serious word with Xi Jinping after all these Chinese websites started calling me Kim Fatty III, Kim Fat Fatty and Kim Abundant III. Even that bloody Fox News have said those that have fallen foul of the double-chinned despot (ie: me) have found themselves at the wrong end of a military firing range.

“So I know you have dropped a heap of weight by walking from Global HQ at Stepney to home and only drinking on days with a ‘d’ in them, so I’m looking for a bit of advice before I commission you to do a royal nude portrait of me like you do for those other despots, the Windsor family. And my latest motor, the Maybach S600 Pullman Guard which cost me $2m to smuggle into the country, is on its last legs and I was wondering what you’d recommend. Dad and I have always had Mercs but I’m open to something new.”

“But, Jong-un Joe,” Mick replied, “ you’ve got Pyeonghwa Motors and they make that Merc rip off the Junma, which is really the South Korean SsangYong Chairman with a Junma badge.”

“Mick, Dad put in $70m to start Pyeonghwa. It has a 10,000/year capacity but they only turn out 400 cars in a good year. My people can’t afford breakfast let alone a piece of crap like the Junma. Now the other thing I need is an idea for a Mother’s Day pressie. Mum, or as we used to call her ‘The Respected Mother who is the Most Faithful and Loyal Subject to the Dear Leader Comrade Supreme Commander’, dropped off the twig a few years back but the wife Ri Sol-ju and I go out every year and drop something off at the tomb. I think your mate JC is suggesting gifts in his column in the capitalist Australian newspaper — maybe you could ask him?”

Well if Jong-un Joe or JJ to his mates is in the market, right now is the time to buy. As we’ve been saying, new car sales are in the toilet.

According to the Federal Chamber of Automotive Industries, in April, new car sales had their biggest monthly drop on record. Down 49 per cent in the largest decrease since sales were first recorded in 1991. All brands are suffering which means you should be buying at a very big discount. And if you are stuck in Borisville and thinking about a new motor, things are even crooker. Car sales for April were down 97 per cent year-on-year to only 4000. This is the lowest since February 1946.

Meanwhile, last week in Utah, state trooper Rick Morgan saw a SUV swerving all over the freeway at about 60km/h. Rick couldn’t see the driver’s head and when he approached the car he found the reason. It was a five-year-old boy sitting on the front edge of the seat so that he could reach the brake pedal. The boy left home after his mother told him she would not buy him a Lamborghini. Like any good petrolhead child, he shovelled $3 in his pocket and borrowed the car to go to California to buy one himself.

OK. Mother’s Day gift. No problem. The just released SSC Tuatara’s twin-turbo V-8 pumps out 1300kW, pushing the US-made rocket to 482km/h down any suburban street. Imagine the look on her face tomorrow when Mum pops in the driver’s seat in the chenille dressing gown and fluffy slippers, hits the loud pedal and wheelspins all the way to Lowdown on Hay Street for her half-caf with a twist of lemon. Only 100 left at $2m apiece.

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