Let’s start the New Year in the manner we intend to finish it.
No joyful optimism. No meaningless resolutions. No ringing out the old and ringing in the new. No apples dipped in honey. No kissing the person you hope to keep kissing. And certainly, no parading down the streets swinging balls of fire.
Yes, we’ll keep to the same cynical pessimism that makes you sad to be alive.
And what better way to mark the beginning of 2020 than our list of the worst cars ever. As usual there is no science to this, just a discussion between the old bloke and me over some Jim Barry 2019 Assyrtiko. Actually, it started as an exploration of what Assyrtiko is. We still don’t know but it tasted better than the flagons of McWilliams Royal Reserve Golden Medium Apera Mick normally serves.
OK. Here’s our pick of the worst cars in no particular order.
Reliant Robin
The 1973 to 1981 Reliant Robin (aka Plastic Pig) was a fibreglass-bodied three-wheeler with no reverse, a 750cc engine with a frightening (if you were behind the steering wheel, which would regularly fall off, leaving you the choice of bailing out or going on a three-wheel mystery ride) top speed of 136km/h and an 0 to 80km/h time of 22 seconds with wind assistance. Ironically the car was a top seller, particularly in the north of England. The main reason was, even though it could only go in a straight line without tipping over, it was cheap as it was classified as a motor bike for registration and licence. Jeremy Clarkson and team’s company, W.Chump & Sons, owned five as company cars. Jeremy’s own Robin is on the market for $11k. Don’t even think about it.
Reva G-Wiz Mk 1
The Indian made electric 2001 to 2007 Reva G-Wiz Mk 1 was also classified as a bike (a quadricycle) so it didn’t have to meet too many safety standards. James May called it “the worst car for this year — and indeed for every other year while we have breath in our bodies — it is the most stupid, useless and dangerous car ever to stalk the earth. It is totally terrible, and disgusting.” About $2k in the motherland.
Horsey Horseless
The 1899 Horsey Horseless was designed to fix a serious turn of the century problem. At the time horses scared by horseless carriages killed 200 citizens of New York, whose population at the time was 3.5 million. Today with a population of 20 million horseless carriages themselves kill 200 people. God clearly gave preacher Uriah Smith the answer. As he (Uriah, not God) wrote in his patent application: ‘‘The leading feature of the design resides in a vehicle-body provided at its front end with a forwardly-projecting figure of a horse’s head, the neck portion of the figure being curved on lines merging into the outline of the contiguous portion of the body.” In other words, stick a big horse’s head on the front of the carriage and approaching horses will think it’s one of them and not get scared. And better still, use the wooden head to store your highly explosive fuel.
Toyota Yaris
The Toyota Yaris is the US personal injury lawyer’s best friend. It tops the list of personal injury claims including head, neck and brain injuries, broken bones and even wrongful death (it appears no one sues for rightful death). While it has reverse, in older models a wiring problem stops airbags from working and the front seats move of their own accord. From $3k including reference to a no win, no fee ambulance chaser.
Mazda CX-5
The 2013 to 2017 Mazda CX-5 is being recalled (among other Mazdas) in Australia because it ‘‘may accumulate carbon deposits in the intake shutter valve, in addition to premature wear of certain engine components’’. In the US the same Mazda is recalling the same cars ‘‘to fix a software problem that could cause the engines to stall unexpectedly without warning’’. Which is both the issue Australian readers have been complaining about but which Mazda denied for over three years and the issue ACCC boss Rocket Rod Sims has been in court for, alleging Mazda engaged in unconscionable conduct and made false or misleading representations in its dealings with consumers who bought one of seven new Mazda vehicles.
Trabant
The Trabant/Yugo/FSO Polonez/Lada were all made behind the Iron Curtain and given the quality of these four, should have never been let out. A couple of years back I stupidly paid to test a 1963 Trabant on the icy streets of West and East Berlin. My report mentioned that “because there is no fuel pump, the gas tank sits above the engine, which is not normally a problem unless, a) the engine overheats and the car explodes, or b) you hit something or someone and the car explodes. As we used to say after a few Kircher Pils in the Sophienclub in Spandau: “If you put a banana in a Trabant the value will skyrocket for three weeks, until the banana rots.” Reviewing the FSO Polonez, Jeremy Clarkson said: “Built by communists out of steel so thin you could use it as a neck curtain, it is as reliable and long lasting as a pensioner’s erection.” And what do you call a Yugo with twin exhausts? A wheelbarrow.
Fuller Dymaxion
The 1933 Fuller Dymaxion came from the pen of legendary environmentalist and geodesic dome creator Buckminster Fuller. Bucky called himself ‘‘an emerging synthesis of artist, inventor, mechanic, objective economist and evolutionary strategist’’. Like many of the nut jobs we are discussing today, he was spoken to by God. Whether this led him to create a front wheel drive, rear wheel steered, three wheel (single at rear) aluminium car that looked and drove like a boat is unclear. But fortunately for the fate of the human race he only built three and one survives. One critic quaintly called it a three-wheeled suppository.
British Leyland
The 1971 to 1980 Morris/Austin/Leyland Marina ranks as the most-scrapped car sold in Britain. The Marina was the rushed product of the Leyland/British merger. Rather than design a car that was ahead of its time British Leyland produced a car that was slightly ahead of the T Model Ford with worse handling. It was bought in huge numbers by consumers who knew nothing about cars, didn’t want to know about cars and loved rust and the British Empire. About $5k will get you a great low mileage model.
Triumph Stag
The 1970 Triumph Stag evolved over seven years and is a great example of what could have been if management hadn’t decided to stick two of their four cylinder engines together to make a V8, arrange the engine parts so that the Stag always ran the risk of overheating and blowing bits up, the engine warping and timing chains dying. But it really is a beautiful-looking car and most on sale now have had the problems sorted. Expect to pay $15k plus or a good one.
Alfa Romeo Arna
The 1983 to 1987 Alfa Romeo Arna shows you what happens when a cash-hungry sporty Italian carmaker gets into bed with a 72-year-old conservative Japanese company. Think Nissan Cherry meets the worst of bad Alfa. Think Nissan body parts assembled at that bastion of quality control, the newly built Alfa factory at Pratola Serra near Naples, incorporating Alfa mechanicals. Nothing was good about this car. Build quality, handling, reliability, looks, electrics, rust, plastic interior all sucked. As you know, 95 per cent of all the Italian cars ever made in 1987 are still on the road. The rest made it back to their driveways.
Clearly this list is going to stir up strong emotions among many of you, particularly after a few Coopers XPAs. I know the citrus undertones with aromas of grapefruit and a hint of mandarin stir the passion specially if you are sipping a few at Dan and Col Battersby’s Fishes on Straddie (try the Super Steak Sanga for $25). So instead of ringing the news desk, email me with your thoughts on the worst cars ever. The best suggestors will get their name in this column and an inquiry from the ATO.
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