I don’t know about you but I’ve owned a few dogs.
Most of them have been four-wheeled but I’ve had three four-legged ones.
The four-legged have been much more satisfying despite no warranties, no extras and no trade ins. It turns out that, according to this section’s very own Jared Lynch, dogs are also a better financial bet.
In story entitled “Dog prices to paws after ultimutt highs” (clearly the sub-editor was looking to follow our own Pete O’Donnell for headline of the century award – “Having to harry spider horribly hampered habitual habits when behind wheel” – who is competing against the Courier Mail’s Baz McAlister “Halal … Is it meals you’re sooking for”), Jared tell us less than two years ago you could buy a kelpie for $25k; today they’re $35k.
Now look, I like hollow logs as much as I like ankle biters, but I wouldn’t pay $35k for either. For that money, Shannons will sell you a nice red pre-owned 1994 Mercedes-Benz 500SL R129 Convertible. Or you could buy a new Audi, Citroen (one for the architects), Hyundai, Nissan, Skoda (deserves more attention, particularly the Octavia) or my choice: a Subaru BRZ or a Toyota 86. None need house training, they won’t bark at the neighbours but with the exception of the BRZ and 86, attractive persons of any sex won’t start up a conversation with you when you take the others for walk.
Friend, 19 readers, no family but Indi the greyhound, who I have a picture of reading this very publication, not online where only those who have suddenly risen to a higher economic status but have not gained social acceptance of others go to look at the pictures because the big words are too much for them, but in print.
I have two bibles that I try to live by. One is that ode to the love that dare not speak its name except in the garage, Gone in Sixty Seconds, starring Nick Cage as the romantic lead (for the cars) and the other is Sweden’s Steve Gössling’s book The Psychology of the Car. Nick’s in a Hollywood Fezzer dealership, the west coast equivalent of a man’s shed.
He opens his soul to the salesperson: “I’ve been in LA for three months now. I have money, I have taste. But I’m not on anybody’s ‘A’ list, and Saturday night is the loneliest night for the week for me.”
Roger, the dealer principal, understands the roles cars really play in Western society and why so many self-indulgent wieners with too much money spend the equivalent of the GDP of San Marino on a piece of metal. He looks Nick in the eye and gives him (and all of us) the answer to his and our own existential loneliness: “A Ferrari would certainly change that.” Of course it would. Champagne would fall from the heavens. Doors would open. Velvet ropes would part. And attractive persons of the same or other sex would flock around.
Steve Gössling also rightly explains that cars have important roles as means of sexual attraction. He draws comparisons between reproductive strategies in the animal kingdom that are mimicked by carmakers. While he observes the car is a space for sexuality, he then moves on to sexual acts with cars which could be a bit much to discuss on a Saturday morning.
But let me just point out that the current front cover of one of my favourite car magazines, Retromotive (I pay $80 a year), features, in the manner of those now shameful men’s lifestyle and entertainment magazines such as Playperson, Zoo, Maxim and Cavalier, a nude 50-year-old Lambo. Owner and LA resident Jeff Meier is no self-indulgent wiener. He is a connoisseur of low-mileage Lamborghini Miuras. He owns an orange one and a naked one. The cover car, then in virgin white, was delivered to an Iranian couple at the Lambo factory in Italy. They gave it to their daughter, who was on her way to uni in Berkeley, to sell and so move some cash out of Persia. Like any of us would do, the daughter kept the car as a means of sexual attraction.
No prize for betting that she pranged the car. It would have cost a motza to fix so she sold it to the owner of a San Mateo body shop who intended to fix it up but 47 years later, hadn’t. Jeff bought it, spent eight months restoring it and now has it up for sale today at RM Sotheby’s Monterey auction. You’ll steal it for slightly over $2m.
If you need more help in the loneliness department, RM also have the 1970 Porker 917K that won the imaginary 1971 Le Mans in Steve McQueen’s movie of the same name. This one was a long- time resident at the Chandon (as in the champagne Chandons) family chateau before moving to Florida for some real racing again. In 2017 Dave Gooding sold one of the McQueen movie Porkers for $20m; today’s sex on wheels would be good buying at around $25m.
Talking of attractive metal, if you own a Toyota Supra (and I wish I did) you may have it recalled soon although this being Australia it might never happen since car manufacturers not the government tell you if their cars are about to kill you or worse and to bring them back to the shop.
Now in the US the recall for the Supra has come from BMW (despite the Toyota name they are built from BMW bits). It’s part of a 50,000 recall that includes M340i, M340i xDrive, 540i, 540i xDrive, X3 M40i, 2020-2021 X4 M40i, 745Le xDrive, and 2019-2021 Z4 M40i vehicles. Just a brake problem.
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