It’s true. Since March 18, all of us have been living in a collective dream. When we wake up, it will be March 19. This is true. How do I know? Well, Australia’s leading psychoanalyst, Professor Michael McMichael of the Bayerische Motoren-Werke Autowerkstatt Universität StepneyStraße, told me.
“Johnny, Willy Benjamin said that a commodity society lives in a dream state, particularly during a CV-19 pandemic, and we have to awaken from this dream collectively. Of course, I have also been influenced in my thinking by Dr Cooper and his sacred products, and the Akashic Records healer, teacher and writer Teza Zialcita, who told me yesterday: “We are at the crossroads of our collective awakening. We are receiving the activations of the Multidimensional Cosmic Rays. The Benevolent Beings of Light are assisting us in our ascension process.” Well, that explains everything.
Yesterday morning, the big news in the race car world was that Scott McLaughlin won the Supercars series at Phillip Island. No surprise there. I’m a huge fan of Scotty (even though he’s from New Zealand). But then I read on to learn this was an E-series and that Saint Stephen’s College’s most famous old boy was sitting in the comfort of his simulator at his Brisbane home. Readers, you know this couldn’t be true even if you can watch the series on Fox Sports and Kayo. E-sports are just cartoons for the feeble minded.
Then I received a press release. Another clue. No one sends the team here anything except emails threatening defamation. It was from an Adelaide (another clue) company that breathlessly announced: “Electric flying cars are a coming reality that will liberate our cities and answer the long-term mobility challenges we face.” So, apart from the fact that all of this is a dream, there are three words here that have turned this into a nightmare.
Electric. Flying. Cars.
All that was missing was that other horrid word: motorbikes. (What’s the difference between a Harley-Davidson and a Hoover? The Hoover has only one dirtbag.)
Anyway, not only is Airspeeder’s founder, Matt Pearson, making electric flying cars, he is making red, 200km/h, 12m-long manned or womanned or personned electric flying racing cars.
“We are motorsport in the sky,” Matty says. “The sport promises to be the greatest modern sporting spectacle on the planet, with elite pilots propelled to speeds of 200km/h in the largest, most powerful octocopters on the planet.” Octocopters? Talking Waffles? Calling Teza Zialcita and Professor Mick.
But Matty is not only serious, he’s got some serious money behind him. Matty reckons the EVTOL (Electrical Vertical Take Off and Landing) market will be worth $1.5 trillion by 2035, or about the same money Australia has invested in CV-19.
“Final ‘personned’ tests of the Speeders are technically ready. These flights will take place in the desert, once restrictions relating to the global health crisis are lifted. First head-to-head dual races are planned to take place in late 2020, with the first locations to be announced shortly,” Matty says.
Cost? “We’re initially targeting similar pricing to Formula-E vehicles — around the $1.7m mark,” Matty tells me.
Now I realise that the most read part of any paper is the form guide. Given all the requests we get in the boiler room for what cars to buy, here’s our review of the selections for the $100k Metal Guineas Stakes over the length of the warranty, with the comments stolen from The Daily Telegraph and Herald Sun racing sections.
The Alpine: French, 185kw, quick 0 to 100km/h, looks like sex on wheels and drives better. Superior wet tracker. Rates highly in this field.
Ford Mustang R-Spec: you can never have too much muscle, individually numbered with crook colour selections. Ready for this trip now. One of the main chances.
Genesis G80: one day it will be the new Mercedes, a lot of gear for the price with an imitation Aston Martin badge.
Mercedes C Class: says you’ve nearly arrived but couldn’t afford the E63 S AMG. Hasn’t offered much in the past. Looks to be tested here.
Infiniti QX 70: V8, genuinely quick, fully loaded, big on the outside, not so much on the inside. Should be scratched.
Reader Kevin Cruickshank says the WART TV show should be a winner. “If you do decide to take Michael at his word and start a TV program, perhaps you could have a cooking segment, for which I have an excellent recipe for all of your 14 viewers. It’s making bread with Coopers beer. We could achieve two goals here, John: keep the Coopers flowing; and feed the nation. The recipe is simple: 3 cups self-raising flour; 1/2 cup sugar; one 375ml bottle of Coopers; mix together and bake in a greased tin for 40 mins at 190C. I did a practice run yesterday and the result was a delicious loaf of bread, I used a bottle of red label sparkling ale.”
And young Mel Blachford has had a few decent drives: “I did own a 1949 VW Beetle with no synchro that I bought in Holland in 1963. Someone tried to steal it in London once and gave up as they couldn’t get it into second gear. Then my 1959 Beetle was rolled by a girlfriend going to church on Sunday in Lakes Entrance on what was supposed to be a dirty weekend. God moves in mysterious ways.”
Yes, Mel, she does. But remember, The New York Post has just discovered a religious cult that worships the number zero.
These days nothing is sacred.