There have been a lot of big events in Adelaide’s history since Bluff Jack Hindmarsh turned up in 1836 and kicked the Kaurna people off their land. There was the first edition of The Advertiser in 1858, the foundation of the Port Adelaide footy club in 1870, the outbreak of polio in 1937, Keith Murdoch buying the News in 1949, Rupert taking over the paper from his father in 1952 and the visit of Betty and Phil Windsor in 1954.
Readers, more than 300,000 South Australians took to the streets to welcome Betty and Phil. Now that Phil has retired I can breach royal confidence and talk about what the Duke of E really got up to one Wednesday night in Adelaide. As you know, both Phil and Betty are petrol heads, well Land Rover people. Anyway, I can remember that afternoon like it was 63 years ago. The phone rang (it was the land line, no mobiles then) and here’s this Pommy voice saying “John, one has the night off and one was wondering if you and a few friends could take one up to the Sporting Car Club for a few Coopers?”
“Phil,” I said, “we’ll be there like a rat up the proverbial.”
So, I got straight on the phone to Norm Beechey, who picked up Phil in his FJ with those wonderful Lukey mufflers. Waiting to meet Phil and Norm were Michael McMichael in his BMW 501A, Vern Schuppan in his Porsche 356 and premier Tommy Playford in his Lightburn Zeta.
What a night it was. Phil got stuck into the Coopers Pale Ale and regaled us with carriage-driving stories. Phil said he had started the sport in England and Wales and said he would soon invent the internet. Norm did have a bit of trouble understanding why you would ponce around in a carriage when you could be behind the wheel of something with six cylinders, and he struggled, as he still does, with the internet but he pretended he got Phil’s jokes.
But forget all those events (except those where our owner and his father are involved) because this morning at 9 o’clock we are expecting 1.67 million South Australians at the Torrens Parade Ground to see 250 of Australia’s worst cars head off for 3800km of Australia’s worst roads on the leisurely journey to Cairns.
Please get to The Weekend Australian Rally Team’s (WART) Ford Falcon ute (with zero help from Ford Australia: no wonder sales are in the toilet and they have just had to remove their global leader) early because we had such a big response to the Get an Ornamental Pen if you Nominate the World’s Ugliest Car Appeal, that the non-working pens are running out.
Now in worse news, I can confirm that Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt will not be at the park this morning to send off our car, but Brad did say he might send his brother Alm along.
Ugliest car nominations included: any Lexus with the cotton reel grille, the 2004 Ssangyong Stavic, the Nissan Tilda, the Citroen 2CV, the 1991 Ford Taurus, the Chrysler PT Cruiser, the Ssangyong Rexton station wagon, the Kia Cube, the 1941 Horch Lightburn and Playford’s Lightburn Zeta. While this was not a contest, most votes went to the Chrysler PT Cruiser.
However, the special ornamental Australian pen award goes to Jon Karnon for his nomination of the Fiat Multipla: “It would be worth buying and driving one in order not to see the outside.”
Regular readers won’t be surprised to learn that The Weekend Australian business and motoring section has readers in Latvia. Is Durie a Latvian name? Anyway, Mans transportlidzeklis uz gaisa spilvena ir pilns ar zusiem to you all. Don’t forget our special Shitbox Rally deal, six Lats for full digital access and free home delivery of The Weekend Australian print edition. Sis kungs par visu samaksas.
Coming into tomorrow’s Indy 500 there are two important lessons for all of us. One, don’t take pole position, and two, don’t go to Taco Bell if you do.
Last Sunday, Australian-born New Zealand citizen Scott Dixon put himself in front of Ed Carpenter, Alex Rossi, Fernando Alonso and our own, genuinely Australian, Will Power.
Then about 10pm the pit crew sent Scott and former racer Dario Franchetti to Taco Bell for some post-qualifying munchies. Scott and Dario were in the middle of ordering the Naked Chicken Chips, the Crunchy Taco Supreme, the Chipotle Chicken Loaded Griller and a crate of Mountain Dew Lemonade spiked with prickly pear juice when two young fans turned up at the window of their car.
Pointing guns at their idols’ faces they politely asked Dixon and Franchetti to hand over their phones and wallets.
Tricky Scott did what any married man would do in the situation and gave the lads his wife Emma’s wallet.
The police K9 squad caught the two teenage fans soon after and returned all the loot.
This is a shortened version of the original article – read the rest at The Australian
